Jokes of the Week
Lee Roy and Mae finally left for their annual road trip—an hour late.
Three hours into the drive, Mae asked, “Are we there yet?”
Lee Roy sighed. “Mae, you wanted to take the scenic route.”
“I should've said the route where you stop asking me for directions every five minutes. And why are you playing jazz? You know I like R&B.”
Lee Roy pulled over. “Fine. You drive.”
Mae shook her head. “I'm too sleepy.”
“You promised you'd help me drive!”
Mae closed her eyes.
Lee Roy said, “Well?”
Mae is sound asleep.
Lee Roy is relieved because he won't have to pretend to hit the brakes as Mae speeds toward the car in front, while proclaiming people on the highway drive too slow.
*****
Mae talked Lee Roy into riding with her so they could spend Saturday shopping.
He thought, that should be fun we haven’t spent Saturday together in a long time. He couldn’t remember why they stopped doing it. She's driving; that makes it even better.
I’ll meet you you in the car, I’m going to get my coffee mug.
Mae is sitting in the passenger seat. You better hurry up. She took out her to do list and started writing.
Lee Roy said when you ask someone to ride with you that means you are driving.
Mae looked at him you seem grouchy stop and get something to eat
Good idea do you want any thing?
No I’m on a diet.
You sure?
Yes I’m sure. You dont need to keep asking me. I need to lose about ten pounds.
Lee Roy ordered a coffee, a croissant with two eggs, cheese and smoked sausage, home fries and a diet coke.
Lee Roy was ready to enjoy his breakfast when he heard the words no man wants to hear after ordering his food: "you’re not going to ask me if I want some? You're not even thinking about me."
I am thinking about you. That’s why I ordered the Diet Coke, thinking you might get thirsty watching me eat.
She still isn’t speaking to him.
*******
Lee Roy and Mae are sitting in the kitchen one morning. Mae fixed breakfast when she told Lee Roy. I had a nice dream last night.
He looks up from his phone. He’s thinking, should I ask what she dreamed about? No, it's better this way.
Aren’t you going to ask me what I dreamed about?
I was about to ask you.
You know I always wanted to go to Paris. She proudly declared, I still remember some French from school. I dreamed I flew to Paris by myself and stayed there for a week.
That’s wonderful. I also have a dream to share with you after breakfast.
Breakfast is over and Mae reminded him to tell her about his dream.
I was in another country. With three gorgeous women.
What?
Lee Roy stood up and wiped his mouth. I invited you, but you were out of the country in Paris..
You're about to drive me crazy. I'm going to bible study. I need strong prayer for what I'm thinking.
******
Lee Roy and Mae are lying in their king-size bed. He’s on the edge of the mattress, and Mae is holding him tight, like she's holding him so he won’t fall onto the floor.
Mae, you need to move over. I almost fell on the floor.
I can’t; there's no room.
Lee Roy looks over; there's plenty of room, and he pushes her to the middle of the bed.
He spreads out. Now that’s better. Just when he is about to fall asleep, she's back, and now she’s snoring.
In the morning, he tells Mae; either you sleep on your side of the bed, or you can sleep in the spare room.
I am not sleeping in the spare room. I can't remember what I ever saw in you, and she stormed out the door.
Lee Roy gathers the kids. I have some bad news; your mother has dementia; she can't remember what she ever saw in me.
*****
Lee Roy and Mae are relaxing watching Mae’s favorite movie for the 15th time,
Lee Roy’s buddy texts him reminding him not to forget to bring the beer for the big game on TV the Lakers and Boston. All the fellas will be there.
He takes a deep breath before standing up and declaring he’s going over to Dan’s to watch the game.
Mae is not happy. “Last night you said our marriage was made in heaven when you made love to me. You even promised to watch the movie with me.
We always watch the same movie and you talk about whats going to happen. Then you laugh like you're seeing it for the first time. I’m going to hang with the boys today.
You said our marriage was made in heaven. You better not come home drunk and hungry because I’m not cooking.
Lee Roy beer in one hand, keys in another is at the door.
“Our Marriage was made in heaven then again, so is thunder, lightning, tornadoes and hail.”
The last thing he heard before he stepped outside was, “Jesus, help me. I need to pray about what I'm thinking."
*************
Mae finished laundry and asked Lee Roy to help her fold the clothes.
It’s Sunday afternoon he’s relaxing, watching his favorite team get beat again.
This time she hells are you going to help me?
Lee Roy throws the pillows down. Waves his fists in the air Picks up more pillows, and kicks them. He mumbles, damn man, can't relax in his own house.
After his mini tantrum he yells coming boo.
He goes into the laundry room and Mae is holding up a pair of pants. She declares the dryer is broken and the heat is shrinking her clothes. Tomorrow we have to buy a new dryer.
Lee Roy looks at Mae, looks at the dryer and backs up before telling her: to follow him and he leads her to the kitchen.
Mae, the dryer is not at fault. He points; the same however cannot be said about the refrigerator.
Now she's not speaking to him.
***********
Lee Roy decided to surprise Mae. He stopped by Victoria's Secret in the mall to pick up some revealing garments to bring some spark to their relationship.
He asked a young lady what she would recommend.
She thought for a minute. I have just the thing; black lace panties. Trust me, your wife wears this, you won't be able to keep your hands off her.
Lee Roy rushed home. Mae, I brought you a special gift. Ten pairs of sexy black lace panties.
Why are they all black? People are going to think I don’t change my underwear.
Lee Roy looked at her. What do you mean? What people are you talking about?
***********
Mae is out of breath.
Lee Roy catches her as she stumbles off the new treadmill she convinced him to buy. It had all the bells and whistles: Movies, social media, etc.
Thank you, boo. Whew, that was close.
This is going to change our lives, she proclaimed.
I'll be so sexy you won't be able to keep your hands off me.
Now you talkin. That sounds great, honey, but why are you out of breath?
Damn Lee Roy, you don't never pay attention. I've been on this thing for 45 minutes.
Lee Roy eased his way to the door so she couldn't block his escape when he said,
Tomorrow you should turn it on.
**************
Lee Roy suffered from a recurring nightmare almost every night since he was a child.
A nightmare that shook him to his very core. His wife, Mae, is a church-going woman, but she aint quite found Jesus yet.
One morning she told him MOFU, I’m sick and tired of you waking up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat, disrupting my sleep, yelling like a baby cause you having a nightmare. Get this sh*t fixed or hit the road.
Lee Roy found a therapist, and after several weeks of counseling, the number of nightmares diminished, but the few that happened became more intense.
Willie the bartender asked him what was wrong. lee Roy told him Mae it’s about to make me leave because of nightmares.
After hearing about his nightmares, on his next visit he handed Lee Roy a bag from under the bar, and told him, "Give me twenty dollars and follow the instructions in the bag."
When Mae came home from work, Leroy was all smiles, close your eyes, he led her to the bedroom.
You know the nightmare about the monster under the bed? I fixed it. Open your eyes.
There were no longer any legs on the bed. It was flat on the floor next to a saw.
Mae pointed to the front door, get out.
****************
Le Roy's doctor warned him that if he didn't lose weight, he needed to get his affairs in order.
He weighed over 200 lbs.
His wife told him he was out of shape.
Lee Roy said, " Round is a shape."
Finally, he hired an expensive personal trainer.
Six months later Leroy still weighed over 200 lbs.
The trainer had never seen results like this
He had never had a client not lose weight, and decided there was only one explanation.
He explained, "Leroy you weigh 230 Lbs. on Earth. On Mars, you would weigh 84 lbs. On Pluto, you would weigh 13 lbs.
Lee Roy, you live on the wrong planet."
***************************************************************************
Mae reminds her husband Lee Roy that their 25th anniversary is approaching.
She snuggled up to him, I know you're going to do something special for your boo.
I am baby you know how you always wanted to go to Africa.
She grabbed her chest, Oh you’re so thoughtful.
If you do this on our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?
Come pick you up.