Jokes of the Week

Lee Roy decided to surprise Mae. He stopped by Victoria's Secret in the mall to pick up some revealing garments to bring some spark to their relationship.

He asked a young lady what she would recommend.

She thought for a minute. I have just the thing; black lace panties. Trust me, your wife wears this, you won't be able to keep your hands off her.

Lee Roy rushed home. Mae, I brought you a special gift. Ten pairs of sexy black lace panties.

Why are they all black? People are going to think I don’t change my underwear.

Lee Roy looked at her. What do you mean? What people are you talking about?

***********

Mae is out of breath.

 Lee Roy catches her as she stumbles off the new treadmill she convinced him to buy. It had all the bells and whistles: Movies, social media, etc.

 Thank you, boo. Whew, that was close.

 This is going to change our lives, she proclaimed.

 I'll be so sexy you won't be able to keep your hands off me. 

 Now you talkin. That sounds great, honey, but why are you out of breath?

 Damn Lee Roy, you don't never pay attention. I've been on this thing for 45 minutes. 

Lee Roy eased his way to the door so she couldn't block his escape when he said,

 Tomorrow you should turn it on.

**************

Lee Roy suffered from a recurring nightmare almost every night since he was a child. 

A nightmare that shook him to his very core. His wife, Mae, is a church-going woman, but she aint quite found Jesus yet.

 One morning she told him MOFU, I’m sick and tired of you waking up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat, disrupting my sleep, yelling like a baby cause you having a nightmare. Get this sh*t fixed or hit the road.

 Lee Roy found a therapist, and after several weeks of counseling, the number of nightmares diminished, but the few that happened became more intense.

 Willie the bartender asked him what was wrong. lee Roy told him Mae it’s about to make me leave because of nightmares.

 After hearing about his nightmares, on his next visit he handed Lee Roy a bag from under the bar, and told him, "Give me twenty dollars and follow the instructions in the bag."

 When Mae came home from work, Leroy was all smiles, close your eyes, he led her to the bedroom.

 You know the nightmare about the monster under the bed? I fixed it. Open your eyes.

 There were no longer any legs on the bed. It was flat on the floor next to a saw.

 Mae pointed to the front door, get out.

****************

Le Roy's doctor warned him that if he didn't lose weight, he needed to get his affairs in order.

 He weighed over 200 lbs.

 His wife told him he was out of shape. 

Lee Roy said, " Round is a shape."

 Finally, he hired an expensive personal trainer. 

Six months later Leroy still weighed over 200 lbs.

 The trainer had never seen results like this 

 He had never had a client not lose weight, and decided there was only one explanation.

 He explained, "Leroy you weigh 230 Lbs. on Earth. On Mars, you would weigh 84 lbs. On Pluto, you would weigh 13 lbs.

 Lee Roy,  you live on the wrong planet."

*************************************************************************** 

Mae reminds her husband Lee Roy that their 25th anniversary is approaching.

She snuggled up to him, I know you're going to do something special for your boo.

I am baby you know how you always wanted to go to Africa.

She grabbed her chest, Oh you’re so thoughtful.

If you do this on our 25th anniversary, what will you do for our 50th anniversary?

Come pick you up.